I knew what it was as soon as I pulled it out of my mailbox. The envelope had a government address on it but even without that, I could tell what it was. I was being selected for jury duty again.
But this time it was different.
This time it was for a federal case. There was no invitation inside. Just a scan-tron test. You know, the number 2 pencil kind that you had to take in the 11th grade. It turns out that the feds want you to take one of these before they invite you to serve as a juror. If you come across as normal enough, you get the invite.
And therein lies the secret to getting out of jury duty. You have to make them think that you’re the craziest person on the planet. If they think that you’re just like everyone else, go ahead and plan on being in court for a few days next month. You have to make them think that you’re unique, that you are nobody’s peer. So here’s what I plan to write out on a separate sheet of paper and staple to my scan-tron test. Just to prove that I am insane and thus unfit to serve as a juror.
Dear Jury Selector,
Due to my personal bouts with insanity, I don’t think that I would be a good fit for jury duty. If you don’t believe me, here’s the proof.
1. I have no idea how to place an order at Starbucks. Also, due to my failure to properly navigate my way through the self check out line, I’m not allowed in four different grocery store chains. If it wasn’t for the good people at Crazy Al’s Sack -N- Save I would have to live off of the land.
2. I don’t watch daytime television.
3. For next year’s Super Bowl, I think that the NFL should go with dogs catching frisbees. A dog catching a frisbee is much more entertaining than 98% of the potential halftime show performers.
4. I hate television singing contests and I think that reality TV is faker than professional wrestling.
5. I like to listen to Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings and Public Enemy.
6. My kids are four and six. Their favorite TV shows are Fat Albert and The Brady Bunch. It’s 2013 but they are becoming products of 1972. I had to put my foot down when they asked if they could put up a poster of Farrah Fawcett. The other night my four-year-old asked me if we could watch The Andy Griffith Show together. I’ve never been more proud.
7. Cornbread with sugar in it is a lot like heroin. It might make you feel good but it’s just not right.
8. I’m a 37-year-old man and it happened two decades ago but if you were to show me the video of Sid Bream coming around third base to score the winning run against the Pirates in the NLCS and send the Braves to the World Series, I would cheer like it’s happening live. And when it’s over, I might even cry. And give you a high five.
9. I think that people who use the phrases, “It is what it is,”One game at a time,” and “Just saying” should be forced to serve as jurors at least twice a month.
10. I also think that people who use the phrase, “From Wall Street to Main Street” should have to stand trial before the jurors listed above.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
The Craziest Person on the Planet
That should do the trick and keep me from being invited to jury duty.
But it just might get me invited to Guantanamo Bay.
Say a prayer for me.