Global Warming Made Me Sick But The Government Can Fix It

Words matter when it comes to your health. Sometimes there is more to the story than the words may indicate.

Consider the following conversation that may or may not have actually taken place several years ago between two doctors.

Doctor Adams: “I think that I’ve figured out a way to stop people from getting the sick.”

Doctor Smith: “Really! How does it work?”

Doctor Adams: “Well, it doesn’t. At least most of the time it doesn’t.”

Doctor Smith: “Okay, well what’s in it?”

Doctor Adams: “Well, I’m not exactly sure on that one either.”

Doctor Smith: “Have you named your new discovery yet?”

Doctor Adams: “Yes, of course. I’m calling it the NSWIAIDWBJTTSASUA. It stands for, Not Sure What’s Inside And It Doesn’t Work But Just Take The Shot And Shut Up Already.”

Doctor Smith: “This sounds very interesting. But I only have one suggestion.”

Doctor Adams: “What’s that?”

Doctor Smith: “You’ve got to change the name. No one will ever buy a product with a name like that.”

Doctor Adams: “Okay. Any ideas?”

Doctor Smith: “Have you considered just calling it something like, oh I don’t know, the Flu Shot?

Doctor Adams: “Brilliant!”

Words matter when it comes to your health and politics. Sometimes they carry an ounce of truth with tons and tons of devils in the details.

Obamacare has a real name. It’s called The Affordable Care Act. Who could oppose something with a name like that? It’s sort of like passing a ten thousand page bill called the Puppy Dogs Are Cute Act that no one has read. Actually, it’s a lot like that. What politicians really meant when they called the healthcare bill The Affordable Care Act was that the folks in D.C. would act like they could afford to care for you. Clever, huh?

And finally, words matter for the environment. Especially when the truth gets in the way.

Several years ago, when we were all burning up in 90 degree heat, people were holding summits and conferences to encourage us all to fight global warming. They told us that the ice caps were melting and polar bears were being orphaned and it was all the fault of our Ford Explorers. In a matter of months we would all be swimming from point A to point B if nothing was done to fix the problem.

But a funny thing happened on the way to certain global destruction.

The planet’s regular weather cycle made it cold again. So after a few global warming conferences in 12 feet of snow, organizers decided that it was time for a name change.

Exit global warming. Enter climate change.

That’s the final lesson of why words matter. If they get in the way of your scam, I mean agenda, don’t bother with changing the agenda. Just change the words.

Here’s the moral of the story. If you catch the flu from being outside in 12 feet of white, powdery global warming, excuse me, climate change, you’ll probably have to go see a doctor. But don’t worry. The Affordable Care Act can get you a really good deal at the medical offices of Doctors Adams and Smith.

Get well soon!

Hobby Lobby And The Fatal Flaws Of Progressivism

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Everyone wants the government off of their door step.

Unless, of course, the government comes calling with big bags of cash in hand.

That’s when the welcome mat gets rolled out.

Today’s Hobby Lobby decision is no exception. Progressives talk a lot about their boss and their government minding their own business and keeping their respective noses out of their bedroom. “My body, my choice,” the progressives tell us.

But as they fight to keep their bedrooms private, they’re also fighting to make sure that what goes on in that bedroom and what consequences may come from those goings on are paid for by, wait for it, their boss! Or, the government! Which is another way of saying, “Get out of my bedroom but leave the cash on the dresser.”

Progressives still haven’t learned that you can’t have it both ways. You can’t have “private” and “fully funded” at the same time. When someone is paying for something, they want to know how things are going. They want to get in there and snoop around. They want to see a return on their investment. They want the right to not fund what they don’t like.

It was true when your parents stopped paying your way through college when you came home one summer break with a 0.42 GPA.

And it’s true of employers with conscience and a backbone.

Remember the days when if you weren’t happy with the insurance package offered by your employer you simply looked for another insurance plan? Or another employer. Now, we’ve come to the point where we run to the president and ask him to fix it. That’s another fatal flaw of the progressives. They forget that when the government tries to fix something not involving bridges and/or bombs, that something usually ends up worse off. (See: War on Drugs. See also: War on Terror. See also: Immigration Reform.)

So now some progressives are threatening to burn down Hobby Lobby stores. Many have taken to social media to lash out in four-letter fashion against the chain of craft stores. All because the owners of the store allowed their conscience to dictate what they did with their own money.

Which points us to another great flaw of progressivism. We’re allowed to say, “My body,”
“My choice,” and “My bedroom.” But in the progressive arena, we’re not allowed to say, “My beliefs,” “My money” or “My business.” Thankfully, the Supreme Court has more authority than the progressive arena. For now, at least.

I don’t want the government at my doorstep. And I don’t want their money. I’d rather them be about the business of protecting my freedom to worship as I choose.

Today, thanks be to God, that happened.

The Quotable Obama

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Presidents are remembered for what they said.

Reagan said, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.”

Kennedy said, “Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country.”

What about President Obama? What will be the words that future generations remember him by? What will be his one stirring sentence that lives long after he has left office?

Time will give us the answer to that question but there is another famous saying that can help us to get a better idea as to how this president will be remembered.

“Actions speak louder than words.”

If that saying is true, here are a few quotes that Barack Obama may have never spoken with his lips but that came across loud and clear in his actions.

Obama On Terrorism

“I stand strong against terrorists. And by terrorists I mean coal miners, people who own arts and crafts stores and military veterans. Oh, and those people who are always talking about the Constitution. Almost forgot about them.”

Obama On The Military

“Who needs the military anyway? They’re always wanting to come to D.C. to see war memorials and to get their injuries healed. Too much trouble if you ask me. Besides, anything they can do, my flying armed robots can do better.”

Obama On Congress

“Congress exists to affirm my every decision. Well, not every decision. Just the ones that they know about. And I must say, they are doing an excellent job.”

Obama On Gun Rights

“I support the right of average American citizens who happen to be employed by the IRS to own whatever firearms they please and as much ammo as the job requires.”

Obama On Healthcare

“A lot of  Americans are dying without proper medical care. But a lot isn’t enough. We need more Americans to die without proper medical care. That’s why I came up with the Affordable Care Act. You didn’t really expect me to pay for all of these people, did you?”

Obama On The Environment

“We have a moral obligation to act swiftly and decisively on the environment. We owe it to our grandchildren. Well, not all of the grandchildren. Just the ones that weren’t killed by our immoral obligation to fund Planned Parenthood.”

Obama On Privacy

“I was surprised to find out today that Jason L. Sanders writes all of his stuff while wearing Captain America pajamas. Also, he ate eggs for breakfast this morning.”

Obama On The Warrantless Searches And Arrests Of American Citizens

“I am saddened to inform you that Mr. Sanders will be unable to finish today’s writing. We all wish him the best and a very speedy recovery.”

15 Random Thoughts For Your Friday Pleasure

1. Two weekends ago I saw the original Karate Kid. One weekend ago I watched Pretty In Pink with my wife. If you take out Ralph Machio and the karate parts from the Karate Kid and replace them with Molly Ringwald and scenes about fashion designing you have Pretty In Pink. If you watch these two movies at the same time while listening to Pink Floyd, our planet will be sucked into a black hole. Al Gore should do something to protect us from this potential disaster.

2. I need to start watching better movies.

3. I used to wonder why my grandfather seemed to care less and less about professional sports as he grew older. Now that my kids are playing little league and every pro sports franchise in Atlanta is trying to get tax payers to build them a newer building, I think I see why.

4. All the auto correction in the world won’t keep me from misspelling neccesarry. Knowing the language of origin never helps either.

5. The Spelling Bee was on ESPN last night. The following is the greatest moment in Spelling Bee history.

In second place is this little “secret message.”

6. There should be a Celebrity Spelling Bee. I’d like to see Rasheed Wallace in it just for his reaction when he gets a word wrong and has to sit down.

7. My own private research has determined that it is now harder to earn a failing grade in high school than it is to pass.

8. Pastors, here are three terrible ways to start off your sermon.

“I’d like to start off this morning with an interpretive dance to one of my favorite Bob Seger songs.”

“This is my Bible…”

“I got more rhymes than the Bible’s got Psalms.”

9. As a general rule of thumb, if the movie is about a horse, it’s not going to be a very good movie. I don’t mean to be so harsh. Just trying to save you a few bucks.

10. Remember when that airplane disappeared a few months back? How are we still not talking about this? What kind of a world do we live in where an airplane vanishes in the middle of the sky and a few weeks later nobody cares that it still hasn’t been found? I miss the good old days when life was a lot less like an episode of G.I. Joe.

11. People on Facebook should have to pay a $35 fine for writing sentences that begin with, “That awkward moment when…”

12. I feel sorry for the people I see who are still driving around with Obama bumper stickers on their cars. They’re sort of like the guy who got “Vanderbilt Commodores: 2013 BCS Champs” tattooed on his forehead. Some things are just too hard to get rid of, I guess.

13. A few years ago, everyone was making fun of this song.

Now, every song on top 40 radio sounds just like it. Maybe Rebecca Black was really a genius. Well, either that or top 40 radio is just dumb.

14. Anyone who supported Obamacare has no right to be outraged over the VA scandal.

15. If you are a new parent and you are wondering if you need to change your baby’s diaper, just know this. You should have changed it about three minutes ago. Changing your baby’s diaper is always necesserry.

Stupid Cattle: An American Parable

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There was a time when the cattle went pretty much wherever they wanted and did as they pleased.

But that was before the farmer took over.

He had 20 acres of beautiful green grass. That’s a lot of land in the city where he came from. Certainly it would be enough to handle a few animals who just sit around waiting to give away their milk or to be turned into hamburgers.

It didn’t take long for the new farmer to realize how foolish he was. Sure, the grass keeps growing but not nearly as fast as the cattle. And as more came along, his 20 acres seemed to shrink.

As the eager farmer saw it, there were two options.

The first option was based merely on common sense. He could buy more land and allow the cattle to have more freedom to roam and eat as they please. While that would be good for them, it wouldn’t be so good for the farmer. He would no longer enjoy the control he had when space was limited to that small parcel of land. Even worse, the cattle would start to realize that they don’t need him quite as much as he likes to be needed.

So he went with the second option. He called it the stupid option. But really, it was quite brilliant.

He called it the stupid option because the entire plan was dependent upon the stupidity of the cattle. If they were ever made aware of or reminded of how great it is in the wide open spaces that surround the farmer’s small piece of land, the whole plan falls to pieces.

He decides to keep some of the cattle. The others have to go. There’s only one question. How should he cut down on the numbers? After careful consideration, he develops a plan to stay in power, keep the numbers of cattle down to a manageable level and have tighter control over the cattle that he does keep. Sure, he could just sell the ones that he didn’t want but that would be inhumane.

So he does everything he can to discourage reproduction among the cattle. He confuses gender lines and terminates those calves, “mistakes,” “bundles of cells” and “unwanted pregnancies” that somehow manage to get past him.

Next, he singles out some of the best cows, the ones who have done the most, proven themselves as hard workers and sacrificed for the good of others. He punishes them. He makes them wait when they need help the most. If they die while waiting, this only helps his ultimate agenda of thinning the herd. The last thing the farmer wants is legitimate heroes and examples of a strong work ethic walking around and spreading their influence. He also manages to convince the rest of the cattle to willingly jump in on this same plan. He does this by promising them the whole prairie while only giving them a few blades of grass.

Finally, the numbers are where the farmer wants them. The small amount of cattle are easily controlled at all times. Just so long as they stay satisfied with the few blades of grass that they are given. Just so long as they remain convinced that they really are being given the world. Just as long as they remain blind, uninformed and apathetic about what it is that is being done to them.

Ignorance, as the old saying goes, is curable. The farmer does not want this cure for his cattle. For his plan to work, the cattle must be more than just ignorant. They must be stupid. This is why it is important for him to control what they know and how they think.

Stupidity is different than ignorance.

Stupidity is always fatal.

An informed man will eventually resist.

A stupid man delights in the tyranny done to him and worships the one who is doing it.

Just as long as he can be convinced that his bondage is freedom and that his oppression is for his own good.

Years from now, people will discuss what it was that finally destroyed the once great United States. Was there a foreign invader? Did a tyrant king take over by force?

The answer will be a simple one.

There was no foreign invader. The tyrant did not take over by force.

He was elected.

By stupid people who would rather be given a few blades of grass than to roam freely in order to get their own.

The Price You Pay And The Reward That Awaits For Weekday Faith

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You are free to worship however or whoever you want inside of your church building.

For now.

But when you step outside into the real world, your worship must be approved by us.

That’s essentially what the government is saying in their fight against Hobby Lobby. The president and other supporters of Obamacare do not have a problem if the owners of Hobby Lobby, or any other business, attend a church that opposes abortion. For now. But what they do care about is those beliefs finding their way outside of the sanctuary and into day to day life. Which leads to President Obama’s stance on religious freedom which can be summarized as follows.

You belong to us on Monday through Saturday. God can have you on Sunday. For now.

For true Christians, no matter what the Supreme Court decides in the Hobby Lobby case, we must obey God rather than man (Acts 5:29). Following Jesus was never meant to be confined to one day a week inside the walls of some church building. One of the main points of the New Testament book of James is that faith, if it is genuine, will be lived out. Truly saving faith impacts every aspect of a believer’s life from how he treats his wife to where he chooses to direct his money.

What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? James 2:14 (ESV)

Take a moment to imagine what the world would look like if every Christian in the United States complied with the federal government’s command that believers restrict their faith from their Monday through Saturday lives.

There would be no love. Love wasn’t invented by the government. God created it. And if you had to sum up all of his commandments with one word, that would be it. Love (Mark 12:28-34). Love God. Love others. Should those Christian churches which demonstrate the love of Christ by caring for the homeless cease and desist? After all, giving a sandwich to a homeless man is a supreme act of Christlikeness (Matthew 25:31-46). It is religious activity.

But if we are to submit to the demands of our federal government, that homeless man will just have to wait until Sunday. Let’s hope that he can find his way inside a church building that will care for him. We wouldn’t want such Christlike kindness seeping outside of the church building now would we? Maybe the homeless man could just wait for the government to take care of him. I’m sure he’ll be fine considering the government’s solid track record during its war on poverty.

What about orphans? The government did not invent orphan care. They may have done their share to create orphans but not orphan care. Caring for orphans is a religious activity. You could even say that it is the religious activity.

Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world. James 1:27 (ESV)

I’m sure that the orphans around the world would love it if the Church cut all the compassion back to one day a week. Not to worry, orphans. Child Protective Services has got your back. Help is on the way. Sometime next month. If the federal grants come through.

No government would ever tell a church to stop helping homeless people and orphans. Not directly at least. That’s because they realize that they need our help. And that’s where we see government’s great contradiction in the religious liberty debate. If a 9th grader wants to start a Bible study on his school campus, he has to do it in the woods behind the building between the hours of 3:15 and 4:15 a.m. We just can’t go mixing government and religion. Until election day. In that case, the government would love to use your church building as a polling location.

Christians should not adopt a That-Will-Show-Them attitude and stop ministering to the homeless and orphans to spite the government.

But at the same time, we must not submit to a government that tells us to render unto Caesar the things that actually belong to Christ. What that means is that when the government tells us to stop living out our faith, we must keep on going as Christ, our Higher Authority, told us to.

It may cost us our business.

It may cost us our reputation.

It may even cost us our lives.

But for those who refuse to restrict their faith into a tiny corner of their lives, the losses endured on this earth pale in comparison to the crown that awaits us.

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that Day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing. 2 Timothy 4:7-8 (ESV)

The Grade School Economist

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There comes a point in one’s educational journey when you arrive at the realization that what you are learning, as good as it may be, isn’t the way it is in the real world. For me, that happened in my 12th grade wood shop class when I figured out that I would probably never use a table saw. I got transferred to an electronics class.

For my son, it happened this week when he brought home an economics study guide. The material on the study guide was excellent. But sadly, it isn’t being applied in today’s America.

Here are a few examples.

Study Guide: “Economics is the study of how people use resources. Natural resources are resources from God such as water, fish, and farmland.”

Today’s America: “Economics are rules that only get in the way of the government trying to give you what’s best for you. Natural resources such as water, fish, and farmland belong to the government. Never use natural resources, you selfish pig.”

Study Guide: “Producers sell goods and services.”

Today’s America: “Producers are greedy, old men who own fast food restaurants and only want to make more money so that they can golf more. They have no compassion for their hard working, completely non-greedy minimum wage employees who go on strike every two weeks because they want more money to spend on video games.”

Study Guide: “A budget shows how much you earn and spend.”

Today’s America: “A what?”

Study Guide: “Savings can be used for sudden expenses.”

Today’s America: “Credit cards are used for sudden expenses. Or, in the case of the federal government, money printing machines are used for sudden expenses. Either way, it’s free money. Savings accounts are only for those greedy fast-food restaurant owners.”

Study Guide: “People earn an income by working.”

Today’s America: “People earn an income by watching Judge Judy, having kids, developing a drug addiction, creating art that they could never sell without the aid of the government, having more kids, getting their own reality show, voting for people who promise to increase their wages for doing nothing and having kids. Anything but work. Oh, and did I mention having kids?”

Study Guide: “Prices of items are determined by the supply and demand.”

Today’s America: “Prices of items are determined by the government after they establish a monopoly by bailing out their ‘too big to fail’ corporate buddies and forcing the small, private producers out of business.”

Study Guide: “Wants are things that people would like to have.”

Today’s America: “If I want it, I have a right to it. And if I can’t afford it, someone else has to pay for my right to whatever it is that I want. Now give me my smart phone!”

Study Guide: “A factory is a place in which people use machines to make goods.”

Today’s America: “A factory is a place where people once used machines to make goods. But then it had to shut down because the owner of the factory couldn’t afford the new federally mandated insurance plans and the mandatory minimum wage increase. A factory is now something in another country where small children are used to make goods.”

I didn’t learn economics until the 9th grade. My son is learning it before he turns ten years old. I couldn’t believe it when he came home and showed me his study guide. That night, I even brought it to bed with me to read again.

I’m thinking about mailing it to the folks up in D.C.

How I Lost My Teeth

I can’t talk at the moment.

There’s something like toilet paper crammed in my mouth.

I’m bleeding.

And missing four teeth.

I guess that’s what I get for telling the cashier at Wal-Mart that professional wrestling is fake.

Actually, I just had my wisdom teeth removed. My dentist said that it was time. I nodded in agreement. But on the inside I was thinking that maybe I’d get it done sometime around the year 2032. Upon further review I realized that waiting much longer might mean me trying to log on to the government’s broken website and eventually having my teeth extracted in the back of a van owned by some guy named Vinny. So I decided to go ahead and get rid of my teeth as soon as possible.

The oral surgeon recommended that I have general anesthesia. That is, he wanted me to be knocked out. The same thing they do to you when they remove your liver or give you a new hip. I figure that there are two reasons for this.

1.) More drugs means more money.

2.) If I’m knocked out, he doesn’t have to worry about me jumping up in the middle of the procedure and starting a fight like a Wal-Mart cashier that just found out that wrestling is fake.

But I opted for the local anesthesia. That is, I remained awake with some sort of a numbing agent in my head. There was one reason for this.

1.) Have you ever seen one of those episodes of Dateline NBC where doctors mess around with patients while they’re unconscious? One of my life goals is to never appear on Dateline NBC.

Sorry, Doc.

I brought headphones with me. Someone told me to do this in order to keep my mind off the fact that there is a circular saw in the back of my mouth. That sounded like good advice.

The only problem was picking the right music. You don’t want something too mellow. Beethoven wasn’t concerned with covering up the sounds of circular saws when he composed Moonlight Sonata. But you also don’t want to go too heavy. Metallica might send the wrong message. I went with rap.

Before we got started, the lady asked me if I wanted any gas to help me to relax.

By this time, a 15-foot needle had already been inserted into my jaw. Numerous times. My mouth was too relaxed to say no thanks. But I tried my best.

“No gas, please.”

You’d be surprised how many times a day my wife says that to me.

And so began the digging. It was nothing like what I expected. The oral surgeon shook my head around like one might do while trying to remove the last drop of ketchup from the bottle. I turned up the music. And started to wonder if maybe I should have taken some of that gas.

Right about then the surgeon’s assistant said something to me. I couldn’t hear because my music was too loud. I’m sure everyone in the building would have preferred Moonlight Sonata. As I turned down the volume, I expected the worst.

“Sir, the police are here and they would like to talk to you about the volume of your music.”

“Sir, something is happening to your teeth like we’ve never seen before. Nurse Rockinghammer, get the catheter. Quickly!”

But it was nothing like that. She told me that the procedure was over. I wanted to hug the oral surgeon but he wouldn’t let me. So I just gave him a thumbs up.

On my way to the car all I could think about was spitting. I got to the parking lot and let lose. Sort of. The spit never really let go. It just sort of hung on to my lip, refusing to leave the comfort of my newly renovated mouth. And then a car drove by. There’s no better advertising for your dental office than a guy standing in the parking lot with four feet of red spit hanging from his bottom lip.

Sorry, Doc.

Driving home, it was like the radio DJs knew that I had just had a mild numbing agent put inside of my head. They played a continuous stream of Pink Floyd and The Doors. That was the first time any of those songs every made any sense to me. I contemplated hurrying home to watch The Wizard of Oz before my medicine wore off.

But I settled for professional wrestling instead.

Pickin’ On Obamacare

I’m not a fan of Brad Paisley’s or Carrie Underwood’s music. In my opinion, the best country music is made by artists who most people have never heard of, artists who are already dead and artists who should already be dead. Oh, and Dwight Yoakam too. So needless to say, on Wednesday night I didn’t watch the CMAs.

But a lot of people did. And right at the beginning of the show they were treated to a parody of Obamacare from the aforementioned Paisley and Underwood, the hosts of the show. As you can see below, the crowd went nuts. That is to say, there was a lot of laughing and cheering.

And as you might expect, the rest of the watching world went nuts too. That is to say, a lot of people didn’t like it. One Twitter user compared it to a lynch mob. Also, I’m guessing that within the next ten minutes the video will be yanked from YouTube and Paisley and Underwood will be sent to a reeducation camp hosted by the fine people from the Federal Organization Overseeing Lyrical Subjects (FOOLS).

A while back, country music quit being good because it lost it’s soul. Instead of making music for working families, artists started to write songs about mud and something that bordered on date rape. Instead of voicing concern over a particular issue, we got songs about some guy’s truck and Daisy Duke.

The same thing has happened to hip-hop. In the 80s and 90s, Public Enemy and X Clan stirred the pot by addressing what they were seeing in the world. Over time, that devolved into Drake complaining about how hard it is to be rich and Jay Z being buddies with the president and rapping about French art.

To a certain extent, musicians are supposed to make us dance. But the good ones have a way of also making us think, even if we don’t agree with their conclusion.

In the early 1970s Neil Young’s Southern Man critiqued what he saw as a southern culture where Civil War era racism still lingered. Not everyone agreed with his conclusions but the message was from the heart. The band Lynyrd Skynyrd were among those who disagreed so they wrote a classic response to Mr. Young’s song. Even Neil Young liked their Sweet Home Alabama, saying, “They play it like they mean it” and, “I’m proud to have my name in a song like theirs.”

During the Bush administration The Dixie Chicks made headlines when they expressed their opposition to the war in Iraq, even going so far as to say, “we’re ashamed that the President of the United States is from Texas.”

The world erupted. Some folks agreed and some did not. There were boycotts, record burnings and, no doubt, awkwardly long conversations at dinner tables about whether or not those three ladies have any right expressing an opinion about a sitting president during a time of war.

But for the last several years, there has been none of that. No rap songs telling us to fight the power. No modern day Rage Against the Machine screaming against the injustices that come from high places. No albums like Radiohead’s Hail to the Thief.

And that should concern us. Not because mainstream music is losing its soul, which it is. We should be concerned for more important reasons. Reasons that run to the very core of what our nation was founded on.

If artists no longer question their government, whether it be through parody or music, it’s likely because fear has trumped freedom and comfort has replaced awareness.

So you may not agree with what Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood did Wednesday night. Or maybe you hated what the Dixie Chicks said all of those years ago. That’s fine. But you should still want them to publicly say those things.

Because when artists no longer question their government it results in something a whole lot worse than bad music.

The Devil’s Dictionary of American Politics

One of the tricky things about our language is that words often have multiple meanings. Take the word dude, for example.

“What’s up, dude?”

Here, dude means fellow or friend.

But the same word can also be an expression of shock or awe.

“Hey, Cheese Puffs aren’t buy one get one free at Kroger anymore.”

“Dude!”

Nowhere is the multiple meaning of our words more clear than in American politics. You’ve probably heard it said before that the Devil is in the details. In his book The Devil’s Dictionary of the Christian Faith, Donald Williams elaborates on that saying. “Remember: the definition is what the Devil wishes were true, period, and which is, in fact, true all too often.”

Here’s how the Devil is getting his wish in the language of American politics.

Affordable (adj.): When the government gives you something that neither you or they can afford by forcing a completely different group of people to pay for it thus making it free. Well, free for them at least.

Anarchist (n.): Any individual or organization that has a problem with the federal government spending trillions of dollars to make sure that your flower bed has the proper ratio of weeds to pine straw.

Bipartisan (adj.): When politicians who represent opposing viewpoints come together to really stick it to the American people.

Cut 1 (v., archaic): To decrease the size and spending of government; 2 (v., current): An act of terrorism that would prevent millions of Americans from being provided with much needed smart phones, Curious George cartoons and ridiculous pieces of art placed inside of funny looking library buildings.

Debt (n.): Money that American politicians borrow from other nations or institutions under the assumption that it will be used to help average American citizens. In the rare event that this money is ever returned, it will be at the expense of those same average American citizens. And their children. And their children’s children.

Democrat (n.): A member or supporter of the most compassionate and caring political party that has ever existed.

Extremism (n.): The belief that one should be able to say what he wishes, worship where he wishes, own a firearm and put as much pine straw in his flower garden as he so desires.

Freedom (n.): A citizen’s privilege to choose whether his rights will be taken away by a republican or a democrat.

Gun-Control (n.): The belief that government should use its own evil weapons to take away evil weapons from citizens that is grounded in the assumption that only government agents and American funded international drug lords have enough inherent goodness to overcome the evil of such weapons.

Politician (n.): A person elected to represent a group of citizens by acquiring as much money and power as possible, all for the good of those citizens, of course.

Republican (n.): A derivative from Latin meaning to sell one’s soul and cave in at the last minute.

Sacrifice (n.): A citizen’s patriotic duty of either voluntarily or involuntarily giving up rights so that government can protect him from himself.

Terrorist (n.): A Christian mother of five who drives a mini-van, loves her husband and kids, pays for her own groceries and voted for Ron Paul. Not to be confused with people who use anything at their disposal to do as much harm as possible to the American republic while benefiting themselves. See politician.

Tragedy (n.): A really awesome opportunity for politicians to acquire more power for themselves and take away more rights from citizens by appealing to the emotions or fears of those citizens.

War (n.): The political strategy of making a bad situation worse by talking about it more, “getting tough” on it and spending trillions of dollars on it. Examples include but are not limited to the War on Drugs, the War on Terror and the War on Poverty.

So now, the next time you turn on the news and hear about a bipartisan effort to bring about gun control, you can turn to your friend and say, “Dude! This ain’t good, dude.”