I’m Probably Going To Start Thinking About Maybe Running For President

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When the 2016 presidential elections roll around, we’ll probably get to decide between Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush. Clinton. Bush. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? This is sort of like the WWE announcing that Hulk Hogan will fight Andre the Giant in the next Wrestlemania main event. The similarities are numerous.

1. We’ve already seen this before.

2. We’re no better off after the first experience.

3. The two supposed enemies will share a nice meal and a few laughs together at our expense after all of the dust has settled.

4. Everything might just be a little more staged than the most ardent supporters of each candidate would care to admit.

That’s why I’m probably going to start thinking about maybe running for president.

America could use the pastor of a Southern Baptist church as its next president. We’ve already had a professor, the owner of a baseball team and a bunch of governors and they haven’t been that much help. So why not try a pastor? Pastors of small Southern Baptist churches with no previous political experience and several felony convictions don’t have a very good track record at running for president. Actually, there’s no track record so, the way I see it, there’s nowhere to go but up for me. And America. Oh, and I was just kidding about me having no previous political experience.

If I’m going to have any shot at winning the presidency, now is the time to get the word out and let people know what I stand for. Here goes.

1. It will no longer be illegal to be rich.

If you earned it legally, you get to keep it. And it’s up to you to do with it as you please. If you want to hang on to your money until you die so that your kids can fight over it, by all means, be my guest. Stupidity, poor financial planning and bad family management will also be legal. Just know this. If your kids can’t decide what to do with your money after you’re gone, all of it goes to charity. For the first year of my presidency, or until I can think of something better, that charity will be the Atlanta Braves. They could really use a new hitting coach and Chipper Jones doesn’t come out of retirement for cheap.

2. The federal minimum wage will be drastically reduced.

84% of all politicians and 100% of Captain D’s employees want the federal minimum wage to be moved up to $33.72. If elected president, I pledge to change the federal minimum wage to $0.00. If you are the guy in charge of hush puppies at Captain D’s and your boss wants to pay you $0.00, that’s his way of saying that you’re fired. Find another job. And if you get fired from Captain D’s, you’ve got bigger issues than the federal minimum wage.

If you’re not happy with your current take home pay, whatever you do, don’t go on strike asking for more money. I’m thinking outside of the box here but maybe you could find ways to make yourself more marketable and go from business to business asking for a job that pays more money. Just a tip here but business owners with a lot of money don’t usually like hiring people who go on strike. They do like hiring people who will start at the bottom, work their way up and make others around them better by keeping a good attitude while they do their job. You can’t do a whole lot to change the federal minimum wage. But you can do an awful lot to change your minimum wage.

If you own a business and you don’t want to provide healthcare or a salary for your workers, that’s your business. If you want to pay them a six figure salary and provide for their every medical need, that too is your business. Either way, just don’t expect the American people to pay when your business goes belly up. Manage your employees with compassion and your freedoms with wisdom. Your federally funded safety net is gone. You are not too big to fail.

3. There will be no more wars on anything.

Sure, if some other country comes to attack us, they will get attacked back. And they will lose. But we will not be fighting any more wars on poverty, drugs, terror or the like. A guaranteed way for our country to find itself in a mess is for us to announce a war on something. Under my leadership, we will have a different strategy.

Poverty will never be completely eliminated but the situation will improve exponentially with two simple steps –  ending the IRS and shutting down the Federal Reserve. These two institutions have done just as much as any others to create poverty in this country. When an institution prints its own money out of thin air and takes away sometimes up to half of a person’s income, I’m sure you’ll forgive me if I seem a little cynical when that same institution rambles on for 50 years about ending poverty with no noticeable improvements.

Under my leadership, the war on terror will be replaced with the Campaign To Stop Giving Weapons To Guys Who We Think Are Our Friends But Who Will Only Turn Around In A Year Or So To Use Those Very Same Weapons On Us (TCTSGWTGWWTAOFBWWOTAIAYOSTUTVSWOU for short.) When two of the neighborhood bullies start to fight each other, we’ll stay out of it. When one of them starts trying to bring the fight to our lawn, we’ll respond. And we’ll have a much better shot of winning if we’re fighting against guys that have not been previously armed, funded and trained by us.

There’s a remedy for our nation’s drug problem too. From now own, any person who is caught with drugs will be sent to a new federal drug facility in east Alabama known as Americans Understanding Basic Usefulness Regarding Narcotics (AUBURN for short). It really will be a win/win situation. Not only will our nation’s wayward souls have a place to go, they just might win themselves a national championship as well.

So there you have it. Now that you’re a little more aware of my campaign and what I stand for, I’m sure that I’ll have your support come 2016.

Come to think of it, I’ll definitely be running for president in 2016. I feel confident that I will get the victory.

I also feel confident that, after about two weeks in office, I will be assassinated.

By a disgruntled former employee of the Federal Reserve.

Or an Auburn fan.

Either way, thanks for your support.

It’s been nice knowing you.

Sanders/Hogan 2016!

The Devil’s Dictionary of American Politics

One of the tricky things about our language is that words often have multiple meanings. Take the word dude, for example.

“What’s up, dude?”

Here, dude means fellow or friend.

But the same word can also be an expression of shock or awe.

“Hey, Cheese Puffs aren’t buy one get one free at Kroger anymore.”

“Dude!”

Nowhere is the multiple meaning of our words more clear than in American politics. You’ve probably heard it said before that the Devil is in the details. In his book The Devil’s Dictionary of the Christian Faith, Donald Williams elaborates on that saying. “Remember: the definition is what the Devil wishes were true, period, and which is, in fact, true all too often.”

Here’s how the Devil is getting his wish in the language of American politics.

Affordable (adj.): When the government gives you something that neither you or they can afford by forcing a completely different group of people to pay for it thus making it free. Well, free for them at least.

Anarchist (n.): Any individual or organization that has a problem with the federal government spending trillions of dollars to make sure that your flower bed has the proper ratio of weeds to pine straw.

Bipartisan (adj.): When politicians who represent opposing viewpoints come together to really stick it to the American people.

Cut 1 (v., archaic): To decrease the size and spending of government; 2 (v., current): An act of terrorism that would prevent millions of Americans from being provided with much needed smart phones, Curious George cartoons and ridiculous pieces of art placed inside of funny looking library buildings.

Debt (n.): Money that American politicians borrow from other nations or institutions under the assumption that it will be used to help average American citizens. In the rare event that this money is ever returned, it will be at the expense of those same average American citizens. And their children. And their children’s children.

Democrat (n.): A member or supporter of the most compassionate and caring political party that has ever existed.

Extremism (n.): The belief that one should be able to say what he wishes, worship where he wishes, own a firearm and put as much pine straw in his flower garden as he so desires.

Freedom (n.): A citizen’s privilege to choose whether his rights will be taken away by a republican or a democrat.

Gun-Control (n.): The belief that government should use its own evil weapons to take away evil weapons from citizens that is grounded in the assumption that only government agents and American funded international drug lords have enough inherent goodness to overcome the evil of such weapons.

Politician (n.): A person elected to represent a group of citizens by acquiring as much money and power as possible, all for the good of those citizens, of course.

Republican (n.): A derivative from Latin meaning to sell one’s soul and cave in at the last minute.

Sacrifice (n.): A citizen’s patriotic duty of either voluntarily or involuntarily giving up rights so that government can protect him from himself.

Terrorist (n.): A Christian mother of five who drives a mini-van, loves her husband and kids, pays for her own groceries and voted for Ron Paul. Not to be confused with people who use anything at their disposal to do as much harm as possible to the American republic while benefiting themselves. See politician.

Tragedy (n.): A really awesome opportunity for politicians to acquire more power for themselves and take away more rights from citizens by appealing to the emotions or fears of those citizens.

War (n.): The political strategy of making a bad situation worse by talking about it more, “getting tough” on it and spending trillions of dollars on it. Examples include but are not limited to the War on Drugs, the War on Terror and the War on Poverty.

So now, the next time you turn on the news and hear about a bipartisan effort to bring about gun control, you can turn to your friend and say, “Dude! This ain’t good, dude.”